Alice and a Wall of Doors

I don't think there is an allegory about Alice in Wonderland and her needing to decide between a wall of options, but I feel there should have been to help me with this post. I can very clearly imagine her struggling with a tempting/torturing/impossible decision. So, hopefully, you can craft a similar image.

Anyway, today I was Alice and my life was nothing but doors. Many of you might be familiar with some of my completely normal neuroses that can cause me great angst - the first to come to mind is my overwhelming anxiety whenever I have to drive a car with boys/guys/men in it. Then, there are sillier things that can cripple me for no reason at all. I had a phase in college where I was completely convinced that my license plate was going to fall off my car. I used to pull over occasionally to make sure it was still attached to my back bumper. I think that was related to senior year stressors but knowing it was crazy didn't make me able to push the crazy down into a neat little box and keep on driving.

I would say that, on a daily basis, I get more anxiety about simple things than most people but overall, my life works perfectly with the little extra push that worry can give you. I would say I have benefited from my anxiety in a number of ways. I am usually on time with tasks for fear of the consequences. I usually do things right the first time. I have avoided breaking laws and have an overly appreciative respect for rules and order.

Throughout the pregnancy and especially lately I seem to be afflicted with inordinate amounts of anxiety. Anxiety that occasionally is just crippling. Today was just one of those days. I am in DC and am so excited to get to spend time with my family and friends. After work, I simply had to decide whether to visit with my lady Erin (one of my most favorite people) or head back to Bethesda and hang out with the kiddos (my favorite little faces). Simple. Pick A or B. Both would bring me nothing but joy. Even as I struggled to properly weigh all of the consequences, what would be better for me long term, what would be more fun for the evening, who would be more hurt, how many hours exist before I need to be asleep and how to maximize the little precious time that exists in the span between getting out of work and tomorrow, I knew that essentially the decision was very simple. What I can't understand is why the knowledge that the pain of anxiety is neither actual nor purposeful doesn't help me shed the anxiety. SO, I sat in my car. For thirty minutes. And cried about...

I am not sure what I cried about. I cried about the fact that I was crying. I am sure about that. I cried because the energy it was taking to settle on a solution and reveal this decision to others was overwhelming. The energy bubbled up in a frenzy inside of me that just consumed me till I had no choice but to let it out. In the end, I think I was probably better off crying about it than keeping it fissioning inside of me. And now I feel fine. (Thanks mom!) But I wish I didn't have to make it through the trauma to get to the easy place where you accept (not only realize) that decision making isn't that hard.

I know that the pregnancy hormones are on the fritz, the vomiting reminds me of that every few days, and that these hormones cause "weepiness" and "anxiety". But I think what I have is maybe just a step beyond normal but still manageable and controllable. So, my first means of controlling the beast of anxiety is typing it up and sending it out to you. After that, I have mastered an interesting breathing technique that I did successfully employ last week and didn't end in tears. (Though maybe it just festered to wait until today, that part I can't be sure about.) So I guess I don't have a super uplifting bit to end on. But if you saw me now, you would know there were no lasting effects from the mental collapse I suffered earlier. And I am going to figure it out.

Any other worry warts out there have advice?